A Blessing? For An Agnostic? I'll Take It On Faith. No Other Choice

I’m officially “homeless”. But still with a roof for one to two weeks. I can’t blame my landlord nor be angry with him. I’m not officially evicted, though that’s just a technicality, really, but, nonetheless, I agreed to leave. Though I don’t owe him a massive, insurmountable amount, it’s cycling back to a debt that came with COVID and that I’d hoped to have covered by this month, but that now finds itself going back into negative numbers seeing as I've still no guaranteed income, nor even a “start date” for regular pays to offer him at present.

Had my cry.

I’m starting to think that it may be a blessing.

Honestly, the luck I’ve had, with everything I’ve wanted continually dangled in my face, yet, always denied to me for reasons that seem right out of a movie. If you’ve ever seen “Life According to Garp” based on the John Irving novel, then you should understand what I mean when I say that I’m a Sideways Garp.

For example, I wasn’t supposed to be in this situation, as, once I got the mess sorted out with the federal gov re that error with my previous employer and the final weeks owed were paid out, finally, the process had also alerted me that I had two years’ worth of GST tax credits owed to me that were to be paid by end of January.

I’d mentioned in that special ‘site’ series that I’d also been hit between Christmas and New Year’s with an unexpected amount owed to the provincial gov relating to COVID payouts, triggered by the previous error, that also revealed that nice GST surprise… Given the dates and the “pay before” limit on the Quebec paperwork, I had my fingers crossed I’d receive it but alas, as is the usual case with debts owed to the gov, they transferred the amount to cover what I owed, the “pay before” date ending 4 days before the pay out date, hence, triggering some ‘flag’ in their system.

It left me with enough for a big jar of peanut butter and two sliced breads.

I’m so sick and tired of peanut butter sandwiches! But I digress.

And, still, with no job… that GST pleasant surprise and the tight-but-A-OK planning that it had allowed was suddenly destroyed by whatever curse whichever god I pissed off in my late teens (?) decided to lay on me.

Sigh.

And, well, homeless, and all that…

I can see a positive. Detaching myself from all needless belongings. Roaming the world; writing. Living.

Deep down, I’ve always wanted it. Dreamed of it when I was younger, leading to a nomadic period that had been spent mostly searching for myself.

I’ve found that being some years ago. He’s weird but fits comfortably.  

Going back to my “luck” that’s always made sure I wasn’t earning $150,000 doing something great if not my part in degrading everyone’s privacy in order to convince people they need Product BuyMe, the second being something  I avoided whenever Life allowed me to do so: It’s always left me with some sense of “purpose not yet realised.” In other words, that there’s something that I’m meant to be doing, and that I couldn’t become the person that would undertake such a role had I been ‘allowed’ to snap into a formulaic and socially-expected life.

I still don’t know what that thing is, but it does feel like I’m getting closer, perhaps why I didn’t fight back against the situation I’m now facing more than I did? Not just because fighting “it”—that luck—seems useless, but because it’s forcing me to make decisions I otherwise wouldn’t.

That said, forced into a war correspondent or roaming reporting role, it’s not as if I’ve just decided it; I’ve long desired such a life, but never did anything to attain it.

I’ve been complaining about being real fed up with the IT work-world for some time now, and writing here wasn’t getting me anywhere, but if I focus only on programming here…

And here we are?

John Pilger had played a big part in influencing that yearning in me, one of his Viet Nam reports being a part of my earliest memories. He certainly deserves to rest in peace; he was a great one. (Died 30-Dec-2023).

The movie “Under Fire” had also helped to fuel that.

But I was “bound”. Always.

Whether or not that was actually so, that’s certainly not the case today.

Done my crying. Feeling optimistic. I’m wondering what will ruin that?   

And, anyhow, I can’t even afford to renew my passport right now.

Hoping to strike some win-win deal with my landlord, as I also can’t afford to move anything out as of today…

Also, no matter how sure of myself I may come across regarding many subjects, what I don’t focus on is all that I’m unsure about, and all that for which I could make do with good counselling and mentorship of sorts.

I’m no fool, but no god; I need morale and 'friendly', field-related support, and there’s much for me to learn about pitfalls and dangers, opportunities, and hidden chances, etc., concerning reporting of the kind I hope to tackle.

I’m no suit-and-tie virgin in terms of what that type of lifestyle demands, keep in mind, but I am, pretty much, as far as how to best accomplish the goals related to the functions for which I’m ready to embrace such a lifestyle.

Ultimately, I'm ready to challenge death if I can make a difference.

If someone would kindly help, offer support, guidance... and kick me in the butt when I need it, I’d love to know I’m not going into this blind… for there’s much doubt, and fear, that’s eager to take over, turn the “silver lining” into a toilet-water ring. 

I don't demand much, but I do need what little I can get.

Please. Thanks. pdl@downmystreetandupyours.org or pdlussier@gmail.com

I'll surely be losing my internet connection later today if not tomorrow, but I'll check once a day through the nearby library's wifi.